All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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