You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
