I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
