so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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