Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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