I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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