I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
