I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
