someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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