I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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