At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
