I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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