someone get that fucking seahorse.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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