Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
