I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
