I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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