I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
