i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
