You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
