fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i've created a new STD.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
