the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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