Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
