I'm going to jail i love you
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize