he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
God, I missed his penis.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
