I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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