1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
as a side note pls kill me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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