Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
