Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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