Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
