found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
pray to the hookup gods
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
