There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
