y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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