Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
