you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
