i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
