1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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