She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
