I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
