the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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