dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize