porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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