It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize