I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
