There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
