I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
