Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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