I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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