hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Can I color on your dick again?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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