last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
