There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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