Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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