now i know why i became what i already was.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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