I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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