I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
