fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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