i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
