Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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