I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
