Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There's even glitter on my cock...
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